Originally posted on May 25, 2005.
I’m a kid who grew up in the Soviet Union, who attended a Soviet school, whose Soviet teachers taught him Soviet communist philosophy and how it was applied in the world, yet who never in his life held the Soviet passport.
Latvia broke away from the Soviet Union before I had a chance to do so. I received a new blue passport with golden words “Latvijas Republika” on its front on May 16, 1993, some six months after I turned 16, the age when one was still required to obtain the legal document.
Although I have had my passport for quite some time and although I had renewed it a few months back, I never quite felt comfortable with it. Until recently, I’d been suffering from the identity crisis. I had watched fellow foreign students at an American college graduating with a flag embedded somewhere on their college regalia. I didn’t know which flag to pick. At the time of my graduation, I felt no connection with the Latvian burgundy-white banner, nor did I particularly like the Russian tricolor. Buying the hammer and the sickle would probably offend a lot of people. So much like those Russians in Latvia, I wore two flags: Latvian and Russian.
Struggle with my own national identity forced me to embrace American culture to a deep extent. I read what they read. I watched what they watched. I talked how they talked.I dressed how they dressed. I, ahem, integrated into the American life and culture.
But it didn’t stick.
The closer I was getting to know the culture, the more alien and foreign it became for me, the more I realized that I might not fit in.
I didn’t understand the obsession with the national flag and overall patriotism that most Americans have. I couldn’t comprehend this innate need to hang out the flag even on weekdays, wear it on your shirts, pants and underwear.
When I was covering city government for a newspaper, I told the mayor he needn’t take offense: I wasn’t going to say the Pledge of Allegiance to the flag before city council meetings. Not because I didn’t respect it, but because my allegaince was not to the U.S. flag and, honestly, I didn’t see the purpose. To my mind, allegiance is so much more than words said before a government meeting.
On some deeper level, it brought me back to my childhood years, when the Soviet children pledged allegiance to the Party and the Government.
I was surprised at how much religion and “family values” play a role in American politics on a shallow level.
I began suffering from the lack of culture and cross-cultural experience as I had lived really on the Indiana-Ohio border, where the closest superstore and the movie theater were 20 minutes away. Now, having moved close to Chicago, at least, some culture and multi-culturalism is available to me.
Once on a visit to northern Michigan, I talked to an old woman. We chit-chatted for a while until she found out I was not an American. She had asked me the same question I had heard before, but I never really knew how to answer.
“So, how do you like it here?” she asked. To me, it was an American way to fish for a compliment or in the worst case senario, a sacrifice at the altar of America. It was as if she was really saying, “Isn’t our country the greatest you have ever seen? Aren’t we good? Aren’t we the best?”
“Not, really.” My answer took her aback for a while.
I started this weblog with one purpose in mind: self-discovery. Started on March 5, 2003, this weblog intended to inform the world about Latvia. But deep down, I longed to reconnect with the motherland. I longed for the new national identity because the fake American identity was merely a mask to cover up who I really was. I embraced it because I had no alternative.
Until now.
As I watched the whole continent voting for their favorite song and as I heard over and over again, “Thank you, Europe”, I thought of this old new national identity for me.
I am a European as I have always shared the core European values that most often are not shared by Americans.
I believe war is not a solution to a crisis. I believe the responsibility of a government, in part, is to take care of those who cannot take care of themselves. I believe in the national health care. I believe that family is the most important unit in the society not only on paper, but in actuality. I believe the father and the mother, though divorced, must share the custody of their children. I believe in equality of genders, races and religions in this society. I believe I am affected by so much more than just what’s taking place in my back yard, because I am a member of the international community. I believe well-rounded internationally-sensitive education is a way to succeed in this world.
And now, I do not need the hammer and the sickle. I do not need a different kind of passport, or nationality to tell me what my national identity is. I’m proud to be a Latvian, but most importantly, I am proud to be European.
The flag in Germany: It´s still not common to show the national flag in Germany contrary to Scandinavia. Maybe more often than in the past. But accidently bumped into a discussion about the pro and contra of national flags most people would refer to the black, red, yellow. Similar to the Belgium one.
Only a minority knows: The German national colors are the Black, Red and Golden.
Aleks, you didn´t say any word about your parents when you were at school in Latvia. School education seemed to to have a greater impact than that from home.
I guess parents are playing the dominant role here. Thinking about my family with two Halfkorean daughters. We are trying to keep both cultures alive (the better part of them) that they later could choose where to live. But living in Germany it`s not easy to do it equally.
I am born in Germany but always knowing that my mother came from Estonia. There were no more family connections between Estonia and Germany during the last decades. But I wanted to know how it could be there. So I`ve got a chance in the end of 91, for a couple of months I stayed.
Well, my family has lived in Latvia for a long time, yet the our family language is Russian. I visited Russia twice in my entire life and it was no homcoming. It was more like a trip abroad. I’ve embraced more of Latvian culture (such as Christmas, Easter and Summer Soltice Festival) than of Russian (just the language).
I attended Russian-language school, most of my friends were native Russians, who now are probably suffering through the same identity crisis, as one of them immigrated to Germany, another lives in Ireland and so on.
Just wondering. Your family was once Russian or only Russian speaking when they came to Latvia?
My mother’s side of the family, I believe, came to Latvia back in 1700s when a Polish king invited Old Believers to the country to escape persecution of the Russian tzar, who threatened to kill Old Believers if they didn’t convert to the new Orthodox faith (reforms, Russian-style!). I’m not sure where they came from, but they settled in Latgale, on the Eastern side of Latvia.
In 1950s, there was a huge push move moving into cities. It’s a part of the reason why Riga is predominantly Russian. So, my grandmother with my mother left the village of Audrini and moved to Riga, where I was born.
My father’s side is completely Latvian. He is a Russified Latvian, thanks in part to the Soviet policies.
My home language have always been Russian, unless we were visiting my paternal grandmother. However, we’ve always celebrated Latvian holidays even when they were banned.
Hm, russified Latvian ? That would be interesting to know how your father would describe his status in the renewed Latvia. Or is he really missing the Soviet style of life?
To be honest, we don’t really talk about that. I never thought of him as a particularly nationalistic Latvian, but I wouldn’t know what he thinks on the issue.
One thing I know: I highly doubt he misses Soviet years.
Thanks, Aleks, for the very interesting and very well prepared article! You have talked about one of my favourite topics – identity. For me, seemingly, the question is very easy – I am Latvian, as my family is not aware of our ancestors for some 5 generations to be of any other nationality. But at the same time there is also the regional identity because all Latvians are not the same… So I can only imagine what mix of emotions you must be feeling…
))
I haven’t been abroad for longer than 5 months but still I have had to wonder who I really am. And what life I want my children to have as I have always thought I would marry a foreigner. So it is always highly interesting to hear what others think about this topic. In a way to gether information for later processing…
One more thing… If you don’tlike life in the States, how come you are staying there? How about returning to Europe?
Excellent question, spoxy. Right after I graduated from college, I ended up getting married to an American; having a son; and, now divorced. So, while my heart longs to be elsewhere, I have to stay stateside at least to participating in raising my son.
So the question of identity is vital for me especially in reference to my 18-month-old son. When he is with me, I speak Russian to him, as I really should not expose him to Russian and Latvian simultaneously. It would have been much easier if we were in Latvia. So I decided to send him to Latvian-language camp in Michigan known as Garezers in southern Michigan, where at least he is exposed to home culture.
Aleks, it´s a good decision to educate your child multilingually, it´s a chance. And to communicate in Russian in your family to your boy is the better way, so is the grammar, vocabulary, metaphers etc..
Your situation reminds me on my grandparents generation in the Baltics. Grandmother came from Russia to Estonia: She was Russian speaking with German descent.Then got married to an Estonian. They both were talking in German with each other. And arguing in Russian. Working and daily business in Estonian. What they were practising even after 40 years living far away from the Baltics.
Our generation is reduced to only German. Next will be multilingual again as I mentioned earlier.
Aleks
I know exactly how you feel. Although I was born British, my father was stateless, originally from somewhere in Ukraine/Poland/Romania. We shall never know exactly who he was and where he came from. Gradually he taught us to be Europeans. I feel very sad he didn’t live to see Eastern Europe join the EU.
I have now lived in France, Ukraine, Lithuania and Greece. My younger daughter spent more time in Lithuania than in the UK and can only describe herself now as a European. But she now has very little in common with the kids in Britain, which is sad also.
“Not, really.” My answer took her aback for a while.
Oh, she’s just not used to rudeness is all. I would’ve offered to drive you to the airport.
Karol,
You obviously haven’t read some of my earlier comments on this post.
Hi, everybody.
It is very common situation for most Russian speaking ex Latvian born people like all my family.We have been in California for many years and all have US Passport but, never feel real American and still miss Latvian food, culture, holidays and friends. So we really diferent or just trying to be our self. Best regards to all Russian-Latvian-European friends.
Mike.
Great post!
It’s so hard to actually LISTEN to the Baltic Russians when you have the Russian mass media putting out non stop info on how bad they are treated. Thanks for sharing.
I lived in Estonia for a year and a half, and my child is half Estonian. I am an American of Italian descent. My child speaks more Estonian than English, and that’s fine with me. I am not afraid that she won’t pick up English. And I am always brushing up on my Estonian.
Learning a language is strange. The more I learn and understand, the less I feel I truly know. I can’t imagine I’d ever be able to say I speak fluently, but I can understand and participate in most conversations.
Having lived in Estonia I feel like a bit of a nationalist. I really enjoy learning the language and I enjoyed the feeling of this country that started very far behind that is struggling to catch up. Being American is more complicated for me. It is a big country with a lot of baggage.
I met many Estonian Russians who embraced this idea of being Europeans as well, like you Aleks. Interestingly many of them had non-Russian surnames – which tells you that just as they are now becoming Estonians, they once became Russians as well.
In Estonia there are a number of prominent Estonian Russians that are embraced by the people. One person who comes to mind is Kristiina Smigun – the famous cross country skier.
She is very well-respected and looked up to in Estonian society, and she is of Russian descent.
It should also be mentioned that many Estonians have Swedish, Finnish, German, and Russian ancestors.
Anyway I liked this blog and I think it has given me some inspiration for my own. So thanks, sbasiba, aitäh.
This is a crazy question for you. But I am in a new job and need to find a newspaper in Riga, Latvia that the professional/business people would be reading. Can you give me a suggestion and possibly a link to it? Thanks for your time. I enjoyed reading your blog about life in Latvia vs. US
Baltic Times would be the English-language newspaper for foreigners. I think it’s the only English-language newspaper covering all three Baltic States.
Dienas Bizness is the Latvian-language business daily.
And Business and Baltia would be the Russian-language business daily.